I have returned

Now the traditional four and a half months of mourning for Charles have passed, I can once again post on my blog to spread my messages of great wisdom and insight. Today's issue is the top five of how to annoy Europeans.

How to annoy Europeans

5. Pretend you're a suicide bomber on one of our trains
Seriously, we don't like that at all.

4. Watch the Eurovision Song Contest, then try to have a discussion on which song was best
All the songs need to be destroyed (how you destroy a song, however, is beyond me, but surely the smart folks at NASA have thought something up?) and are not worthy of intelligent conversation, except perhaps about which one should be destroyed first. Apparently the show also gets transmitted on other continents. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all non-Europeans for possibly having been a victim of this terrible excuse of a song show. Sorry.

3. Be a suicide bomber on one of our trains
We don't like this at all, either.

2. Tell other people you think the EU is a great institution
For years now, the European Union is a shunned and unpopular institution. People who do like it best remain silent about it in the presence of Europeans - that way it can't get out and sully their reputation. The British are opposed to it because it's run by the French and Germans, the French are opposed to it because it's mostly in English, the Germans dislike it because of the Euro, the Dutch dislike it because they now discovered they really aren't the centre of the EU after all, the eastern Europeans dislike it because they discovered it wasn't as exclusive and fun as they thought (much like a child buying a toy and then finding out it's not all it's hyped up to be). If the EU is discussed, it's wise to join in the "Eurocrats" and "Bloody Euro" subjects. Those always go well on parties.

1. Be from another continent yet claim you have a European nationality
No offense to other continents, but if people are from another continent, they're generally not European. This is particularly present in people from North America - Irish and Scottish being the traditional victims of these people's false nationalistic feelings, though every nation is in some way victimised.
It is quite remarkable to see people abroad think they're Irish just because they donate to the IRA or because their ancestors came from Ireland a century ago - surely, although one's ancestors are Irish, that doesn't mean someone a century later, who's never lived in Ireland for even a year, can claim Irish nationality? One might observe that, if anything, they're American.
The strangest thing about it all is the huge amount of national tradition these groups carry on, which tend to have nothing in common with the actual country they claim they're from. Take for example the Highland Games, which apparently is a feast day in North America - you won't find it in the same shape or form back in Scotland. The Saint Patrick's Day celebrations are also rather different in Ireland, and to claim that Halloween is based on the Irish Samhain is curious - although they happen on the same day, now they have so little in common Halloween might as well descend from the old Italian custom of dressing in a toga at a party. Or, basically, all the time.
Those old Italians certainly liked their togas.

So, if you go to Europe and have a distinct American accent (and please please please, don't try to imitate a Scottish or Irish accent) never ever ever say "Wow, that's cool, I'm Irish/Scottish/German/Dutch/Belgian/European, too! Let's talk about our common ancestry while I try and find the real authentic coat of arms of my undoubtedly noble family!"